“God, I just want more of you.”
I was standing in church on a Sunday night a few months ago when these words poured over my heart. It was the only prayer I could pray for weeks. It kept me awake at night.
“What is more? What does that mean, God?”
It went on for months. I laid awake and wondered what on earth I was asking God for. I love my life. Why would I ever want to change it?
The truth is I didn’t. I don’t. But God does. He’s so eager to give me more, but….
Why hasn’t He yet? I could always use more of His strength, power, wisdom, patience, kindness, love, etc. Bring it on, God.
And then a few weeks ago, it hit me. I sat straight up in bed at 3:31am.
“How am I supposed to give you more, Felicia? Where do you have room for more?”
But God…I LOVE my life. Please don’t ask me to give up something I love.
Whatever lesson you need to teach me, I promise I’ll learn it the easy way. I promise.
(Yeah right. I’ve never learned anything in my whole life the easy way.)
I have argued with God. I have tried to get Him to tell me what I’m giving up my precious life that I love for. “No deal,” God said.
“You either trust Me or you don’t. I’m asking you to give up some things you love for something you love more, which is MY plan for you.”
Studying God’s character is a lifelong journey to even scratch the surface of it. But I do know a few basics from reading His word.
“For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.” – Jeremiah 29:11
“Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us,” – Ephesians 3:20
“…Things which eye has not seen and ear has not heard, And which have not entered the heart of man, All that God has prepared for those who love Him.” – 1 Corinthians 2:9
It’s in moments when I want to question God’s intentions that I am reminded of these truths. He has never failed me yet and I know He won’t.
Satan knows I’m fighting this battle right now so He immediately whispered the lie in my ear that maybe I shouldn’t write my book. It is taking up a lot of my time, isolating me and forcing me to face a lot of things I never thought I’d share with 5 people, let alone 5 trillion. (Because when you write a book, you might as well assume that everyone on the planet now and forever will read it.)
Satan has told me to not be that vulnerable with the world. He’s told me I should be spending the hours I’m pouring into content into people. He’s even taken me back to fifth grade when my teacher told me I suck at writing. And to the ministry leader who laughed at me when I started writing a book in high school and asked, “who do you think would read a book you write?”
He almost won. I almost let him win. I almost called my editor a few weeks ago and said, “Hey Allison, now is not the time. Maybe later.”
I tried one last thing though. I started writing with worship music playing in the background. And I started praying. Like a lot. Like on my knees. Completely surrendered to God as I asked God for wisdom and direction.
Last Wednesday morning during prayer service at church, God spoke to me. I sat down on the ground, closed my eyes and FELT His embrace. And in that moment, I knew the book is not going anywhere but onto bookshelves and Kindle apps everywhere. I can’t wait to share with the world about my journey of finding my place in my Father’s house.
If you know anything about my story, you know fatherlessness is an understatement. But the reality is I always had a Father – I just hadn’t found my place in His house yet.
We win when we worship.
But guys…it gets better.
Because God didn’t create us to do life alone. He brings people in our lives at just the right time to do and say the things we need at just the right time. Tonight, I was talking to a friend and he mentioned my book tour. I was standing in the middle of the street when I got that text and just stared at the screen until a car behind me honked its’ horn. (Oops!) Book tour? Wait? Yeah…book tour! I’ve dreamed of writing a book for more than two decades. I’ve started writing a book probably ten times. I’ve read a couple thousand books in my lifetime. I have been on book launch teams. I’ve read and written about the book launching process. NEVER ONCE did it occur to me that I might have a book tour.
Because I’m human. And I don’t think like God does. (Or apparently like my friend does but ya know…). In that moment, God used a friend to remind me that He has immeasurably more in store for me than I can even imagine. But in order to prepare for the next season, I have to be willing to give up and let go of some of my current season. It means glancing at life and gazing at God. It means trusting God in the waiting. It means being okay with margin.
“Okay God. I’m ready. Let’s go.”
**Allison, if you’re reading this (which I know you are), get ready. We are going for an adventure of a lifetime! #CarterWritesBooks